If Cholmondley-Warner wrote match reports…

After being regaled with talk about backchat, long corner rules and green card offences, the ladies were ready to mind their Ps and Qs at Steyning where they faced top of the table South Downs.

In fact they were nattering like ladies who lunch when, without a thought for jolly sportsmanship, South Downs opened the scoring in the first minute with a rather smashing strike from the top of the circle.

No sooner had the ladies in green combed their hair, applied fresh lipstick and assumed their pushback positions when another cruel blow was dealt by the same player from a short corner. Blast.

After a little bit of player redistribution, the gals felt much more comfortable and got on with the rather dastardly job of stopping further goals from their inviolable adversaries. And so it was with a huge ‘Hurrah’ that they went off for a quick dab with a handkerchief at half time to discuss the finer points of needlecraft and housework and what on earth to do next.

As the second half commenced, a small crisis meeting was held as to how to cope with a change in formation of the opposition (with the rather fetching luminous socks). A cunning counter plan was hatched, which involved everyone playing where ever they jolly well pleased, as long as number 5 was taken care of. This worked exceptionally well and the Lewes Ladies were excited to find themselves with a number of goal scoring opportunities. However it was all too much and, at 4-0 down when the final whistle trilled, they trotted off for tea and cake and a rather interesting chat about the unseasonal weather.

Jolly hockey player of the match was Anya for absolutely spiffing play.